Conquering the Barbarian Altanis: Session 70


Character Class Description
Derennan Dwarf level 3 A dwarf hailing from Western Wastes.
Barad the Bald Magic-User level 1 Bald, beardless, chinless, and lazy-eyed.
Tamren Cleric level 3 Stoic paladin of Coriptis, the Goddess of Battle and Inamorata of Berserkers. Aventail hides all but his two piercing blue eyes.
Hagar the Hewer Dwarf level 1 Imagine Conan as dwarf.
Nolmbork Dwarf level 1 Portly, bald, red bearded, with an epic nose. On a mission to have a drink in every settlement in Wilderlands.

Maggotfeast 13th, Earthday

“You know what? We should go back to the den and finish what we started. Look we even have a paladin with us now! And Derennan is no joke either!”

On top of that Barad, Zarifa's Toy-Boy, also disclosed a marvellous discovery he had—a wand he recovered many months ago turned out to be a potent weapon. It was in fact a Wand of Paralysation, with a conical effect.

The quintet prepared for expedition and set out at once. They reached the familiar tree by next day's afternoon.

Maggotfeast 14th, Fireday

One of the dwarves moved the broad plank concealing the shaft leading into the den. As he did so everyone could hear loud tumbling sounds of rocks and debris falling down the shaft; as if something was lodged right underneath the plank.

Caring little for making noise—after all they are here to stop a drug ring—the party headed down. Bell-shaped entry chamber was as they left it. Filled with animal carcasses, small bones, a dead elf, and a spider husk.

Two doors to the left, two doors to the right, and an archway straight up ahead. Doors to their immediate right were chosen. A little bit of listening, a little bit of prodding, and a corridor unveiled itself.

Remembering a pit trap from their last delve, the party proceeded whilst carefully tapping the floor.

“Stop! I hear something!”

One of the dwarves picked up on giggling sounds behind the doors they just came through. Alas, everybody heard the next thing—the sound of doors being swung open.

And then Barad felt getting shot in the gut. He fell down to the ground and blacked out. Three dwarves and a paladin charged into the darkness. A mass of small brownish creatures armed with short swords and light crossbows cried and fell back into the bell shaped chamber.

Party gave chase, only to find themselves surrounded from all directions. From now on it was a bloody free-for-all. Wherever they swung something died. In return they got stabbed and shot at and insulted relentlessly.

“Look at that big-nosed dwarf! I'll have his beard!” Nolmbork could pick up between heaves and screams and sounds of metal clashing. It was dirty Goblin language. And they were dirty little goblins. And there was lot of them.

And then a torch-bearer dropped the torch.

Little did the darkness help the goblinoid bunch, for the adventurers kept swinging wildly; back to back. Nolmbork unleashed a fierce warcry, sending a bunch of small critters fleeing for their lives.

Adventurers' respite did not last even a minute. The doors they cam through and then came back from swung open once more!

“Drop your weapons or we slit his throat.” a large humanoid with leathery skin and oversized pig-face spoke in broken Dwarven as he held up unconscious Barad. There were at least six more like it, and they were well armed. Surviving goblins rallied and picked up their weapons once more.

Nolmbork The Quick-Witted explained that all of this is merely a misunderstanding and that they are here to buy some Red Dragon. That landed well with orcs.

“How much is it?”

“How much do you have?”

“A hundred and something gold coins...”

“That will do it.”

Orc dropped Barad unceremoniously, turned around and left.

“Now, which one of you was interested in my beard?”

Remaining goblins did not cry for long.

Tamren hung his head in shame. He bought his life! Instead of earning the right to live in battle! Coriptis would never even look at him; let alone sleep with him! Now he was nothing but a disgrace looking for redemption!

“Uh, are these orcs coming back? For how long do we wait?”

They got out and headed straight back to Hara.

Maggotfeast 16, Airday

“What did you do to my handsome sage!”

Zarifa Pilter, usually ice cold and reserved, fumed at Barad's beaten-up, bloodied, and battered state.

“You imbeciles! Don't you know that blunt force trauma renders one stupider?! Of course you don't, you bunch of stone-cutters! Oh my lovely sage, what have they done to you?”

The rest retreated to their comfortable townhouse where they rested, recovered, and licked their wounds.

Barad received the finest treatment at the Pleasure Palace. There he also received an offer of employment. Eight hundred gold coins a month to become Pilter family chief sage. A vizier perhaps! The only condition? He would never be allowed to adventure. Ever again!

It is unknown how he weaselled himself out of this deal, but what is know is that he snuck out in time to join the next expedition to the den.

Coldrain 1st, Airday

Winter is here. Days are shorter.

This time removing the plank caused no unusual sounds.

Bell shaped chamber was as before. Well, mostly. Five mutilated goblin corpses were hanging from the ceiling.

“Let's head left”.

A thirty foot long corridor leading to a t-shaped junction. Left again, into a four-way intersection. A door to their right, corridors in other directions. Left corridor turned left into a dead-end. Right corridor led to stuck doors behind which nothing could be heard.

Up ahead, thirty feet further, the corridor terminated in another t-shaped junction. Stuck doors at the end of both passageways. The right ones stank of shit.

“Let's head back...”

Backtracking to the first t-junction they encountered, the party turned left and followed the long corridor until they reached another doors.

Loud grunts and noises could be heard from behind.

“Brace yourselves...”

Hagar the Mighty smashed the doors open.

Four pig-headed creatures, with dumbfounded expressions on what is an insult to call face, sat around the table playing dice. Dim-lantern rested in the middle of the table. Left and right side of the chamber were lined with straw-mats on which more of the creatures were sleeping. Another doors were straight ahead.


The party spilled in, breaking into right and left wing, leaving Barad alone in the center. Magic-User pointed his wand, yelled some incomprehensible words, and sitting orcs froze still. Sleeping orcs were slain before they had a chance to react. Paralysed orcs wept as they were inefficiently hacked to death.

Hagar the Curious opened north doors, “just to check it out.”

First he was hit a strong whiff of rancid alcohol that made his eyes watery. Then he realised what were the shapes in front of him. A dozen or more half-naked orcs singing, yelling, and wrestling. On north wall was a bas-relief of large war-hammer. By it was a dressed orc wielding hammer and yelling whilst holding his arms spread out.

Unsure what to do, Hagar whacked the closest orc that stumbled towards him. Alas, the monster fell and wedged the doors open.

“The wand! The wand!”

Illustration by kickmaniac

Dwarf rolled to the side as Barad unleashed his super weapon once more. Everything, including the imposing hammer-orc froze in place. Everything but a dozen orcs that didn't. Drunk, they stumbled and fell over each other, looking for weapons to fight with.

Barad's triumph lasted ten seconds. An intoxicated orc rushed out and speared him right through heart. Zarifa's lover fell dead.

Derennan, Tamren, Nolmbork, and Hagar formed a gauntlet around the bottleneck. They hacked and smashed and skewered orcs like pigs for slaughter. Drunken horde flailed and fell over each other, and then clashed against open doors as a sea of flesh, yelling & roaring. Too many to fit through, one after another they fell under the mighty adventurers. Except Tamren; disgraced paladin was missing. A lot.

A minute later they stood victorious on a carpet of corpses. Nineteen of them. And Barad. Somewhere at the bottom of the pile. Paralysed monsters were promptly executed—sans the shamanistic figure.

As they moved into the chamber, they could see what was an obvious party scene: wine spilled all over the ground, food trampled in chaos, and two dead goblins pinned to the west wall with daggers and darts sticking out of them. Several small barrels, wine or some other dark red liquid, and three sacks of flax seed were the only obvious “valuables.”

“Gag the shaman, frisk the corpses, take Barad, and let's get out of here!”

The party recovered 97 gold coins, one small lapis lazuli, one small piece of obsidian, one black onyx, one small ruby, one jeweled scabbard of fine make (possibly elven), and one magic-user corpse.

Enroute to Hara the party had been accosted by patrol heading to Violentague. Patrol was taken aback by their shabby prospect and were very disinterest in their affairs.

The party reached Hara on noon of Coldrain 6th, Airday.

“Quick, to the temple with Barad! Before Zarifa finds out!”

As if they could afford Mavis the Magnificent, High Priestess of Poseidon, whom said no to the mightiest men of Hara and paid the price for it!

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#Wilderlands #SessionReport

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