Conquering the Barbarian Altanis: Session 178

May 31, 2026

Adventurers

Character	Race	Class	Description
Heinrik	Human	Magic-user level 1	Muscular mage with short blonde hair and piercing blue eyes.
Kho Rimbo	Human	Magic-user level 3	A knife throwing wizard extraordinaire. Covered in ritual knife scars. Cuts himself whilst casting. Prone to being sarcastic.

Maggotfeast

“Would you like to play a game?”

Old Crus tantalised Kho Rimbo and Heinrik.

Two junior magic-users have been serving him for several seasons now. They did so in return for access to his magical library and tutoring.

Although moving and speaking at glacial speed, Old Crus had meticulous notes and quite a gift for mentoring. And so they toiled under him.

Both jumped at the opportunity to have some fun time instead.

Here is how it went, in their own words.

Kho Rimbo's retelling

Written by Kho Rimbo's player.

Kho Rimbo and Heinrik found themselves in a yawning cavern, still, silent, and dark.

Before them a great granite door. The way forward was obvious, the means of advancing less so. Three words adorned the door in relief, the language unknown until the application of a charm of translation cast from Kho Rimbo's repertoire of spells.

Errukiz.

Ezdrubal.

Elomcwe.

No amount of thoughtful chin scratching triggered any ideas in Kho's usually keen mind. It was Heinrik who solved the quandary.

“Anagram” he chirped up.

“Elomcwe is an anagram of welcome”

“Aha!” exclaimed Kho, feeling more than a little stupid.

“I wondered when you would get it.” Heinrik replied with a quizzically raised eyebrow that Kho pretended to ignore.

Once the letters were depressed, in the correct order, the door began to vibrate and rumble before it slowly sank into the floor. It was no ordinary portal, rather a ten-by-ten block of solid stone. The silence of the cavern was shattered by a cacophony of moaning and wailing from beyond the door, it seemed that all the damned souls of hell awaited them within.

They peered over the stone into a chamber constructed of lurid green veined marble, four black pillars marked with strange symbols bisected the room, beyond that Kho's lanterns meagre light was swallowed by pitch dark that echoed with anguish.

“You go first” the pair said in unison, both smiled grimly, and then entered together.

The black pillars were first examined with extreme caution, and then with frustration. Each bore a perplexing symbol, each one different, no amount of pondering could draw any conclusion to their meaning.

When they passed the the columns the great stone block trundled back into position, blocking, literally, any chance to return that way. On the blocks inner surface another symbol was revealed that corresponded with one of the markings on the pillars.

More perplexed procrastination followed until they gave up on the symbols and concluded it prudent to move on into the wailing chamber and see what their light revealed.

Three pools were discovered, each evenly spaced and spanning the the length of the long hall. They brimmed with clear liquid, possibly water, probably acid suspected Kho, as they were bedded with a jumble of bones bleached like fine china.

Pensively they passed the pools on the southern side, ears rang with the cries of the damned and both expected the touch of bony fingers at any moment, but they proceeded without incident.

The long pools ended at another pool, this one square and pitch black, beyond hung a great bronze bell.

First the pool, and then the bell were inspected. The pool was filled with liquid and appeared pitch black. It went deeper than the long pole used to plumb its depths.

The bell was discovered to be plain except for a patina of verdigris.

Their only option seemed to be to ring the bell, but they were loathe to discover what its pealing might summon. In trepidation it was rung via the reach of the long pole, its tolling echoed up and down the hall momentarily drowning the incessant moaning, lips were bitten, and then slowly the liquid in the back pool began to drain revealing a deep, dark shaft.

Kho volunteered to be lowered down, reasoning that if he did this it would be on Heinrik's head to do the next recklessly dangerous deed.

The nerve wracking descent into the dark seemed to last an eternity.

Eventually he hit the bottom where he fumbled around in the darkness. His foot kicked something that clanked along the floor, probing hands recovered an object, small, cold, and of metal. Eagerly Kho yanked the rope to signal Heinrik to pull him back topside. The object was revealed to be a key of black iron.

Next followed a fruitless and frustrating search for a keyhole. It came to naught, but they did find a passage exiting the hall that had been formerly hidden in the darkness.

It was from here the incessant wailing seemed to emanate. They advanced to find a room of horror.

The chamber was the nexus of the cacophony, it seemed to come from the eyes on the walls, terrified eyes that stared, a myriad of eyes plucked from all manner of creatures, man, beast, and monster. They streamed with tears of green that trickled down into gutters around the walls edges before draining into holes in the rooms corners.

A thorough examination of the chamber was conducted. Eyes were poked via the pole, and even the black key. The result was the same. A sickening pop followed by yolky eye matter sliding into the gutters before being carried with the flow into the gurgling drain holes. The green tears were discovered to be caustic and best avoided.

Whether by luck, or keen perception, it was Heinrik who discerned the outline of a door hidden on the western wall. The eyes on its surface were popped with eager daggers and in turn the acidic tears were quenched, thus allowing the pair to push open the secret door. They were all to happy to leave behind the chamber of eyes and misery and hurried on regardless of what lay ahead.

They now found themselves in a large chamber, its centre dominated by a huge chimeric humanoid statue with one arm reached out as if in salute. Doors were positioned at the rooms cardinal points whilst more statues and a black stone cylinder stood in alcoves at the chambers corners.

They studied the statues first, by eye rather than risking touch. The central one loomed over them menacingly as they investigated. It became obvious the thing could be rotated but the decide to move on without interacting with it further.

The statues in the alcoves were all similar but at the same time different, all animal human hybrids cast from stained bronze. Two of them, mole and fly headed, were both articulated at their hands and wrists and stood on bases that looked like they could be unscrewed like giant bolts.

The third, tiger headed, was plain in comparison despite its ornate armour, seemly having no special features like the previous two.

Finally they moved on to peruse the black cylinder and immediately recognised the four symbols arranged in a diamond formation upon its surface. They were the very same as the ones they encountered on the pillars when they first entered this confounding complex. further more they noticed a keyhole.

Kho handed the key he had uncovered from the black pit to Heinrik whilst saying “I think its your turn.”

Sighing in resignation Heinrik put key to lock, it fit perfectly. Gently he twisted it clockwise, it turned, and turned, nothing happened. He then tried counter clockwise, still nothing. He turned it ninety degrees, a hundred and eighty, forty five, this way and that, although the damn key fit the lock it did nothing.

Crestfallen they turned their attention to the doors.

The north was firmly shut, no latch or lock apparent.

The western door opened with ease revealing a room with an oversized, bulbous, flabby stone face on the wall opposite. Filled with pluck Heinrik entered to study the visage and found both its eyes and nostrils to be deep cavities with a steady flow of air coming from the latter. He dared not probe the holes so they left the room and turned their attention to the southern door.

Like the last it opened without resistance.

In the chamber beyond they were met with a pit dug into the middle of the floor and housing a closed coffin, the door was promptly closed on this ominous scene.

After a short debate they decided to attempt to rotate the central statue, grinding as it turned, they aimed its saluting arm towards the locked door and were rewarded with a sharp click from its hidden lock. Beyond led a long passage and they forged on leaving the chamber behind.

The route drew them into a still and silent crypt filled with six sarcophagi, four small and two oversized, all sealed with mortar.

Thinking it best to leave the dead to their eternal slumbering they hurried across the chamber and through a door in the opposite wall.

They found themselves in a short corridor that ended in a t-junction. Another primitive stone face greeted them, its fat lips forming a shape as if blowing. As they reached the visage the door behind them slammed shut revealing a surface covered in vicious spikes, they darted to the sides of the face fearing being blown into the waiting deadly protrusions, but naught happened. Cavities in the ears were investigated, one by one, the first triggered a gale of wind from the mouth but they were safely out of its path. In the other ear they found a small green basalt key.

They headed south into a chamber dominated by a huge green basalt column. Under scrutiny it revealed it had a small key hole located at its base. The newly acquired key fit the lock and was turned. In response the whole side of the pillar exploded outwards showering the duo with sharp shards of jagged stone. Groaning they got up from the floor, bodies cut and smarting.

A large cavity was now apparent in the column and within stood a purple coffin with a painted figure on its lid, a beautiful woman with a silver pendant around its neck. With rope they pulled it out, causing it to crash to floor. A crowbar was applied to jemmy the nailed down lid. The corpse within bared no resemblance to the image upon the lid, it seemed to be a male elf, but around its neck hung the same silver pendant the painting wore. This was initially ignored in favour of a brass scroll tube at the bodies side.

Wincing, Kho Rimbo twisted off the lid, expecting the worst, but finding only an innocent looking roll of brittle papyrus within.

This was unfurled, it read:

“To sail the ship that is smiled upon The silver necklace must be donned.”

Neither could fathom its meaning, but the corpses necklace was retrieved in case a ship of some sort was encountered later.

Backtracking they headed north, past the stone face, and found the passage terminated in a long echoing hall lined down the centre with black marble pillars.

First they headed left, passing doors, one of which was adorned with a painting of a demonic camel face and guarded by a mechanical suit of armour. These were given a wide berth.

At the halls end they looked into a chamber filled with a forest of pillars carved to resemble coiling snakes with foul human like faces that made them think twice of entering.

Returning back the other way the hall led them to a chamber with the appearance of a shrine.

Two coal fed braziers burned in the near corners casting a dull red glow into the room that was reflected off a scarlet altar on the far side. Ornate candelabras flanked the altar. Tapestries of frolicking beastmen hung on the side walls. Most prominent was a large rug woven to appear like a swirling maelstrom, directly above it was a mosaic that mirrored the image below.

With fearful footsteps they circumnavigated the chambers edge and made for the altar. On its surface was the same four perplexing symbols they kept finding about the complex along with a collection of objects of alien appearance and no apparent use.

Attention was turned to the candelabras and they noticed that all of the candles were of black tallow, except one, which was blood red. On a whim Kho lit the red candle and immediately fled as a snaking coil of billowing pink smoke twirled towards him. But he was not its target. Instead it turned towards the wall and began to pool at the base of one of the tapestry's. Lifting the arras with the trusty long pole revealed the smoke had made its way up the wall and was outlining a secreted door.

Feeling they had pushed their luck far enough in this room they forced the door open and advanced into the corridor beyond.

Wise Heinrik pocketed the red candle before he left.

They marched on, seemingly in step with a procession of familiar looking beast men painted along one wall.

Through a door was a chamber of black and white stone set with two pools, one containing dozens of colourful fish, the other with a kings ransom of mixed coinage at its bottom. Beyond both was another primitive stone face, as ugly as its brothers, its nostrils flared and mouth shaped as if ready to scream.

Kho and Heinrik took up positions either side of the face and reached around with their arms to explore a nostril each. Kho found nothing. Heinrik a keyhole. When neither of the keys in their possession fit the lock they decided to move on, ignoring the pools altogether.

Blue alloy doors were opened next. In the room beyond was a floor mosaic of obsidian and quartz forming the pattern of one of the symbols now familiar to the pair.

Kho stepped onto the symbol.

He was immediately eviscerated in a spinning vortex of mosaic pieces.

As Kho was carrying the lantern Heinrik now found himself in the dark. But like any smart wizard he had come equipped with a light spell Which was quickly brought into being.

There was no sign of his hapless companion, Heinrik was now on his own.

He made his way back the way he came. All the way to the wide hall lined with black pillars and on to the chamber containing the snake carved columns.

Meanwhile, despite the evidence of Heinrik's eyes, Kho Rimbo was not dead. He fell through the air before plummeting into cold water, his lantern doused as it sunk beneath the surface.

Unlike well prepared Heinrik he didn't have a light spell at hand. He splashed around in the dark until he found somewhere to climb out of the water. As he heaved himself up there was a flash of blue light and Kho was turned to charcoal by a blast of lightening.

Heinrik lit the red candle and advanced amongst the forest of serpentine pillars.

Hissing filled his ears and the stone trunks around him seemed to slither, but luck was with him, the smoke of the candle uncovered a nearby secret door that he burst through as if all the fiends of hell were at his back.

There was a flash, a feeling of being disembodied, and Heinrik and Kho Rimbo found themselves in the circular chamber beneath the tower of old Crus.

Crus was there waiting for them, beaming broadly and hoping from one foot to another in glee.

They had never seen him so animated.

“Marvellous!” he cheered.

He also wasn't usually as complimentary.

“That old buzzard Moss is livid.” he went on “And I won six vials of qiuicksilver from Bolash to boot. You did well my lads.”

“Mind explaining what all of that was about?” enquired Kho Rimbo.

“A game.” replied Crus. “Just a little game we wizards play.”

“And I take it we were just the pawns?” asked Kho a little angrily.

“Indeed! Indeed!” Replied Crus as he skipped away.

“I don't suppose we get anything out of playing your little game?” called Heinrik.

But the wizard had gone.

“Bloody wizards!” said Kho.

“Yeah! Fuck that guy” replied Heinrik in agreement.

Heinrik's retelling

Written by Heinrik's player.

Heinrik had immediately agreed when the old man asked him, or rather, urged him, to take part in a small contest on his behalf. Old Crus went on at length about how he was to engage in a contest of wits with several other magicians. This contest was not to be fought out by the magicians themselves, but by representatives chosen by them. With a sardonic grin, Old Crus told the two of them that they needn’t worry about their physical health. At most, their mental power might be at risk. Heinrik knew he had no choice but to take part in the contest if he wanted to continue learning from the old man. Old Crus led Heinrik and Kho Rimbo into his cellar, where he instructed them both to grasp a crystal ball. Heinrik let Kho Rimbo go first, but Old Crus barked at him that both of them had to touch the ball at the same time. Reluctantly, Heinrik also reached out his hands towards the ball, and seconds later the room began to spin. Kho Rimbo and Heinrik found themselves in a room filled with chests of adventure gear and books. Heinrik felt his power rise to a level he had never known before, and at the same time he sensed, no, he knew, that he had very little time to cram as many powerful spells as necessary into his brain and equip himself with the necessary gear.

Heinrik chose a selection of spells and, with great effort, forced ten spells upon his brain: Sleep, Charm Person, Light, Shield, Invisibility, Web, Phantasmal Force, Fly, Light Bolt and Wall of Ice. Kho Rimbo did the same. Heinrik had just grabbed a large canvas sack when the room began to spin again. Heinrik blinked, and the next moment he found himself in a large, dark cave, Kho Rimbo at his side.

Bloody hell, he thought, I’ve forgotten to bring a light source. Luckily, Kho Rimbo hadn’t been so careless and lit the lantern he’d brought with him. Heinrik played it cool and told Kho Rimbo, that he of course also brought a lantern but would it in his bag for now, until it was needed.

In the light of the lantern, a large block of granite appeared on the cave wall, and written right next to it were three words: Errukiz, Ezdrubal and Elomcwe. The last of the three words was clearly an anagram of “welcome”. Kho Rimbo began pressing the letters of the last word, which then receded into the wall. Nothing else happened. The two magicians stood in the cave for several minutes before it dawned on them that Kho Rimbo had not pressed the letters in the correct order. Suspicion crept into Heinrik’s mind, and for a moment the thought flashed through his mind as to whether the mental damage the old man had spoken of grinning had already set in.

Once the letters had been pressed in the correct order, the large granite block sank into the floor, opening up a passage into a vast, unlit chamber with a swirling dark green marbled floor, from which a deafening, polyphonic wailing could be heard. In the glow of the torch, four columns of black marble came into view, each bearing a different symbol. As the two ventured further into the room, they found two elongated pools of clear liquid, with clean bones lying on the bottom, and narrow passages running between and alongside each of them. The pair decided to take the right-hand passage of the three leading past the pools, until they finally came upon a smaller rectangular black pool and a large black bell at the far end of the room. Heinrik’s thoughts were still on the symbols on the pillars, but he could make no sense of them. Now he was certain that his mental decline had already begun. What a cruel trick by the old man. Unable to think of anything else to do, Kho Rimbo struck the bell with his 10-foot pole, whereupon the water level in the black pool began to drop. Despite this, the depth could not be discerned by the eye due to the deep blackness of the pool. The two decided that one of them would have to descend. Heinrik allowed Kho Rimbo to go first and lowered him into the depths with his rope.

Once he reached the black bottom, Kho Rimbo spotted a black key that was only visible when standing at the bottom. The duo tried rubbing their find on the symbols at the entrance to the room, but to no avail. After a while, the two adventurers had the idea of trying one of the other passages leading past the pools, which they had previously always avoided when traversing the room, for fear of traps. After a few steps, a large opening in the wall of the room appeared in the light of the lamp. “How much of my brain will be left once we’ve finished this cruel game?” thought Heinrik, cursing his mentor in his mind. The two followed the passage and entered a grotesque room whose walls were completely covered with weeping eyes of varying sizes. This also seemed to be the source of the wailing in the other room. The wailing here was so loud that Heinrik could barely hear his own thoughts. Heinrik’s anger evaporated, giving way to admiration for the magnificent magician who had created such a grotesque room. “To create magnificent wonders like this why we magicians put up with all these hardships!” he thought.

After the two had examined the room thoroughly but found no obvious passage, Kho Rimbo began, out of frustration, to stab the eyes at random with his dagger. As Heinrik could think of nothing better to do, he joined in, poking out eyes with the key. After 90 minutes, he was certain there was a secret door on one of the walls and continued poking out eyes until the door could be pushed open without touching the acidic tears from the eyes

Behind the door was a room with a large statue of an elephant-headed humanoid on a swivel in the middle, which stretched out its hand in a pointing gesture

In three of the four corners stood three smaller statues in “niches” (a crouching humanoid creature with a fly’s head, possibly rotatable, bolted to the floor and fitted with hinges on the back of its hand. Next a mole-man statue with shovel-hinges, and a jaw with hinges on a hexagonal base, possibly also rotatable. Lastly a bronze tiger-headed statue, green with age, with plate armour, a jagged blade, no hinges or seams, and non-rotatable) and in the fourth corner, a black column on which the symbols from the beginning were arranged in a diamond pattern. The column had a small keyhole on the side facing the wall. Heinrik tried to turn the key, but this had no visible effect.

In addition, three further marble doors led out of the room, the northern one being locked and the western and southern ones unlocked. The western room contained a large monkey-head statue on the wall, with large eyes, ears and a nose on the wall facing the door.

The southern room contained a wooden coffin, approximately seven feet long.

Kho Rimbo had the idea of pointing the statue in the centre towards the third door, causing it to open. Kho Rimbo and Heinrik followed the passageway behind it into a room containing six sarcophagi, and then through an iron door that closed immediately behind them. On the back of the door were a multitude of sharp, pointed daggers, and on the wall of a T-junction facing the iron door from this side, another stone face that had pursed its lips as if to blow. In one of the statue’s ears, the two found another key, this time green. When they examined the other ear, the statue blew forcefully towards the iron door. Heinrik and Kho Rimbo had already anticipated this and had therefore kept their distance from the statue’s mouth.

They took the key and proceeded, finding themselves in a room containing nothing but a green pillar with a keyhole. Kho Rimbo took the green key, inserted it into the hole and turned it with a vigorous motion, whereupon the pillar exploded into his and Heinrich’s faces, inflicting several bloody wounds on them. Heinrich began to wonder whether the old man had lied to them and they could actually die after all. The wounds certainly felt very real. Behind the splinters of shrapnel that had flown out of the pillar, a coffin appeared, containing a mummified male elven corpse that looked as if it had been choked to death, along with a metal tube containing a scroll that read: “Who sailed the ship that is smiled upon, The silver necklace must be donned” and a silver necklace. The two made their way into a room that was absolutely crammed with black columns. In one section, these were shaped like snakes with human heads.

The two adventurers initially avoided this area and instead entered an adjoining room with an 18-foot ceiling, a brazier on either side of the entrance, a carpet on the floor featuring a swirling image, and a similar image painted on the ceiling. In the swirling image, creatures could be seen trying to swim against the current. Those on the carpet were familiar creatures, whilst those on the ceiling were creatures neither of them had ever seen before. The walls were painted in a now faded red. On the walls to the left and right of the entrance were tapestries, the one on the left depicting animal-headed humans staring blankly towards the chamber, the one on the right a banquet scene with animal-headed creatures fighting for scraps. Opposite the door stood an altar made of blood-red marble, etched with symbols matching those from the entrance, upon which lay a jumble of objects neither of them had ever seen, and to the left and right of it candelabras with six candles, five of them black and one red. Kho Rimbo lit the red candle, which gave off pink smoke that gathered on the right-hand tapestry. There seemed to be a secret passage here.

Heinrik picked up the red candle, thinking it might come in handy at some point. The two followed a narrow corridor into a room containing a pool full of rainbow fish and another monkey’s head with a keyhole in its nose, though the black key didn’t fit. The pair continued their exploration and found, in an adjoining room, a mosaic of black obsidian and white basalt that looked like one of the symbols from the start. Without hesitation, Kho Rimbo ran into the centre of the mosaic, whereupon the stones rose up and pierced and shredded him like thousands of tiny knives, until only a cloud of red dust remained. “Well,” thought Heinrik, “that escalated quickly.” “Better him than me,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. Heinrik, now without Kho Rimbo’s lamp, cast his light spell and returned to the candelabras to collect a few candles at least as a emergency light source once his spell wore off.

He retreated further into the room with the serpent columns and heard a hissing voice behind him. With the help of the red candle, he managed to find another secret passage, which he opened in a flash and closed behind him to bring himself to safety from whatever was the source of the hissing. Behind the secret passage was a staircase. As soon as he reached the bottom, everything suddenly spun round again and Heinrik landed hard on his back in the old magician’s cellar, who laughed long and loudly. He went on at length, praising Heinrik and Kho Rimbo, who was also back in the cellar unharmed, for the fact that although the two of them weren’t the quickest, they were the most annoying to his fellow magicians. The two of them had particularly annoyed the old chromatic wizard Moss. This seemed to have been more important to the old bastard than winning…

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